Situation

I wonder how many people out there are in the same situation that I am?  People working as paraprofessionals or substitutes because they can't find a teaching job.  Are they fulfilled with their jobs?  What are their plans for the future?  I bet some people have a time limit, like, if I don't find a new job in 3 years I'm going out of teaching altogether. 

My father basically ambushed me yesterday morning (happy Saturday!) and told me that my life is at a stand-still and that the situation in Illinois with teachers is not going to get better in the foreseeable future.  Basically that I've wasted the past 3 years and that I'm going nowhere with my life.  He wants me to meet with someone at a publishing company to see if I could work there.  Basically it's my choice, but if I don't do it I'm giving up a huge opportunity that could change my whole life.  I have spent the past two days walking around feeling like everything I do, from reading a book to taking a bath to working on my crossstich to working at my stupid part-time job is a complete waste of time.  I feel like I have nothing.  Everything I do is a waste of time. 

Does anyone else ever feel like that?  Like everything you once enjoyed is not what you should be doing?  I probably shouldn't even be blogging right now because no one will read it and it's just a waste of time.  I guess I'm struggling with this because I really need my comfort zone around me all the time.  I have had 3 jobs in 3 years and I'm finally fitting into my school, getting to know some people, enjoying the kids.  And while recess and lunch duty suck, I finally feel appreciated in my work place.  Talking to someone at this publishing company would take me out of my comfort zone and I really just can't handle that right now. 

It doesn't help that I talked to my dad tonight and he made me feel like an idiot.  That my worries and concerns about this were not justified.  I knew he would that.  In the end, I didn't really even have a choice about whether or not I should go through with this.  If I didn't, he would be so frustrated with me and basically ignore me.  He's so business-minded that he can't get out of it sometimes.  He's all about networking and making connections with other people and getting ahead of everybody else.  To him it's not about doing good in the world and enjoying what you do but pushing yourself to the limit every single hour of every single day, climbing the corporate ladder, and impressing other people.  The man hasn't read a fiction book since 1993.  Yeah, 14 hour days sound like a lot of fun to me.  Wait, teachers do the same amount of work but they enjoy it!  What a concept! 

If I wanted out of teaching I would tell him.  I would tell everybody.  It's like that guy that you keep in the back of your mind because you keep thinking he's going to pull up to your house someday and surprise you with flowers and candy and suddenly become all that you wanted him to be but then one day you snap out of it and realize that IT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!  One day I'll realize that teaching is never going to happen.  But that day isn't today.

What's the point in talking to this publishing company if I have no intentions of leaving my current position?  I just don't feel like putting in all that effort for something I don't want anyway.  I'm sick of having to consider other options.  There's only one option for me and that's teaching! 

I just hope he doesn't stay mad at me forever.  He tends to do that and takes things way too personally.